Sunday, June 6, 2010

Mistake 1: They Are Not Approachable

*** Each week we will send a $5 Starbucks Gift Card to the best comment on that week's blog!!!***
(Voting will be done by Mary and Leslie who like to see both funny and serious comments and stories of how this mistake has impacted relationships in the past or how you did with this week's challenge or comments on stuff we can add to the chapter to make it better!  Can't wait to hear what you have to say!) 
Men are welcome to comment as well.  Anyone can win the prize. 
Winner will be announced on Sunday with the posting of that week's blog!

Mistake 1
They Are Not Approachable
Cally had loose, surfer curls and a 100 watt smile.  She was bubbly and enthusiastic about everything.  She was a leader in a large ministry on a huge college campus and, as such, she was always in front of a lot of people.  Therefore, plenty of guys noticed her.  She carried herself with confidence and she took the time to look great before she left her house each day!  She loved people, loved Jesus and would love to love a boy.  However, throughout her college career she was never asked out on one date!  Why?  She was totally unapproachable.  
Here’s the truth.  Guys like a challenge, but they only want to enter into a challenge that think they can possibly win.  They need to know that they will not be rejected on the spot if they approach you.  So, you need to be approachable.  Most girls think they are approachable but they continuously give off “stay away” signals.  Without even realizing it, they are rejecting guys right and left.  Now is the time to change those habits!  Here are the guidelines:

  1. Go where the guys are.  No guy will approach you if you aren’t where he is.  We are fed up with hearing the excuse, “there are no available guys.”  Fifty-one percent of the population is male.  There is no reason you can’t find a way to be around eligible guys.  If you aren’t regularly around available men, find them.  Stay committed to your church, but go to a midweek service at the church where there are lots of singles.  Men eat; they are in grocery stores, restaurants and coffee shops.  They go to books stores, gyms, sporting events; the list goes on and on.  Get some friends, go to new places and practice the techniques you are about to learn.  If you still feel as if you cannot find any good guys, then try an online dating service.  There are a few services out there that do a fantastic job evaluating its members and connecting them with others who are a great match.  Use these as a tool to meet lots of new people and enjoy new places!  Try, which is known as a true match-making service and not just a dating service.

  2. Do not wear rings on your ring fingers.  If a man sees a ring on your ring finger he will probably assume you are engaged or married.  If he thinks you are in a committed relationship, chances are that Mr. Right will not approach you.  Make it a habit to wear rings only on your other nine digits.

  3. Leave the girl pack.  Chapter 6 is devoted to this.  Read it.  Study it.  DO IT!!!  This will change your life.

  4. Make eye contact.  When you make casual eye contact with a guy DO NOT LOOK AWAY!  Instead, hold his gaze for several seconds. (Count to two slowly in your mind.) Then offer a sweet smile.  This may feel awkward at first but you will get used to it.  Guys and girls alike will start to perceive you as more friendly and approachable.  You can practice on girls too – you’re not giving “come hither” eyes.  You are just being friendly!  

  5. The Casual “Hi”.  If you make eye contact with a guy you have met before, smile and say, “Hi.”  Then move on quickly.  Don’t slow down as you say “Hi” and don’t drop the eye contact either.  You should make eye contact before and maintain eye contact after the “Hi.”  By doing this you have communicated, “I’m friendly and I’m open.”

  6. Be aware of your non-verbal cues.  

    • When you are in a group setting do not stand face to face with a friend.  Instead, stand shoulder to shoulder and look around the room as you talk.  This says that you are open to other conversations.  

    • Do not stand with your arms crossed.  This is the universal sign that says “I am a closed person…  Unwilling to be friends or talk!  Do not approach.”

    • Put your phone away!  One emergency text is fine, but if you are with other people, don’t be engaged with your phone.  If you feel the need to hold something, bring a bottle of water with you.

    • When you are in a group setting, if you spend more than 5-10 minutes with one guy, other guys will notice and will assume you are together.  This is a sure way to get NO dates.  Ever!  Guys will not approach you if you appear to be with another guy.  As Jason B. Illian ( puts it, “Most of us want to get a phone number, not a black eye!”  

    • Have fun!  Laugh with your friends!  Guys notice the most fun girls in the room and fun girls are approachable.  They also notice the obnoxious ones; don’t be one of those girls.
Pay attention to the way you treat people around you.  Pay attention to the people you like the most and the people who are most attractive and approachable.  What do they do that makes people like them?  Imitate these approachable moves!  Soon, you’ll have all kinds of guys asking for your number.

Challenge:  Make eye contact with everyone this week.  When you are speaking with someone hold eye contact the entire time.  When you make eye contact with a stranger (either male or female) hold it for two seconds and smile.  Make it your goal to be the last person to break eye contact for the entire week.  You are learning to be friendly with everyone and this will translate to "approachable" to cute boys!  After making eye contact this week please let us know how it goes!!!

1 comment:

  1. I think it's wonderful advice to make eye contact with strangers...just be prepared for some interesting, people to come up and talk and share their life's story with you! I've heard more about strangers I'll never meet again in 5 minutes than you'd hope to hear from a friend in a lifetime! It simply happens when you're being friendly--if you're not a fan of being approached by odd people, then you just need to be prepared for the consequences of your actions!!!

    I know it's only chapter one, and I wish you gals the best, but I'm also very, very wary about another "rules on dating" book. In my personal experience with books of this genre/breed, they are amazing sellers for a period of time, but they try to teach girls how go after what they want rather than waiting for God to make his move and put the girl in the right place at the right time.

    I found that many times these books kept me focused on what I was doing right/wrong rather than just enjoying the opportunities that God put in my path to be friends--I was so busy trying to interpret whether or not I was making sure I looked "open", rather than relaxing and simply building relationships! I think it would be rude to only give partial attention to a friend while scoping out the room--you'd really recommend someone do that? How would you feel if someone did that to you?

    I'll admit, I was confident, I was busy, and I was probably unapproachable--but I assure you that's not a time in my life that I would give up ever!! And I complained with the best of them about how lonely and depressed I was for not having a man! I loved the time that I spent focused solely on my girlfriends--even if I thought I was missing something. Those are now the times that I look back and seriously miss!

    I'm looking forward to hearing how dating can actually be fun, because overall, I found dating to be more painful than fun--in part because of a lot of these guidelines I tried to follow to a tee after reading similar books back in the day.

    I was working so hard to get the attention of guys and be perfectly approachable in my relationships--when it would have been so much easier just to be my oblivious self! Maybe I was built for one partner in crime, I don't know, but I've always been one geared to look for a long term, committed partner, and had no room in my life for dating frivolously. And I truly believe that pain is actually an important part of the grows you into the woman you're supposed to be for the man God has chosen for you. And let's you know how great you have it when it's finally in front of you!!!

    I guess as my last thought for the girls that read your book--go with your gut. I never became 100% comfortable with any guy that I dated until I found my husband. If you're second guessing everything and finding more negatives than positives about a guy, there's probably a reason. Keep moving and don't settle. No guy is better than the wrong guy.

    Relax! Enjoy life and let it happen in its own time. I would definitely practice some of these guidelines that Mary and Leslie are putting out there, because they can be really empowering if you've never done some of them, just remember that you don't have to will yourself into a relationship. And please don't put life on hold simply because you're not in a relationship! Love yourself first. Find who you are first, and I assure you, some guy is gonna fall in love with who you are without you working nearly as hard at it. It's amazing when it does happen and it all falls into place naturally--even when you're not being approachable! Think about all the romantical movies where the herionne (sp?) completely blows off her prince charming! Guys love a challenge, right!?