They Date the Wrong Guy Over and Over

Mistake #9

Julie was a mess. AGAIN. Her roommate Heidi had to hear about it. AGAIN. Julie appeared to be a confident girl who attracted a lot of attention from the male population. However, she was always getting into relationships with guys who were hot, fun and bold but who ended up being controlling, manipulative and prideful.

Most of us make this mistake over and over. We end up having a “type” of guy that we are attracted to and easily fall for. The Manly Man. The Jock. The Sensitive Boy. The Romantic. The Ultra-Christian. Here’s the deal. The first impression is not always accurate. The Manly Man tends to hurt our feelings with his words and actions. The Romantic easily gives his heart away and takes it back just as quickly. The Ultra-Christian doesn’t always end up being the strongest Christian in the bunch. Many times, it is the guy in the background, serving, who is the quality “marrying-type”. However, because we are so drawn to “Mr. Popularity” we miss the amazing guys on the sidelines.

We stand by our policy: Give every Christian guy two dates. Open your eyes and look around at all of the different types. Give each guy a chance. Learn from each of life’s experiences. This way, when Mr. Right comes along you will know that the qualities he holds are the exact qualities you need in a man.

1. Learn from your mistakes. We all make mistakes. Our job is to learn from our past mistakes and change our behavior and choices in the future.

2. Make a list. Get a little notebook. Get your favorite pen. Now start thinking about your past relationships. What did you like about the guy? What qualities drove you nuts? Look at your best friends. What qualities do you admire in them and what makes them your most trusted friends? What habits do they have that make you crazy? What about your siblings? Parents? Write these down.

3. Look for a Pattern. You should start to see a pattern develop in your list. Most of your closest friends have personality traits in common. Many of the bad habits that get on your nerves are the same.

4. Start a New List. On another page start to write a list of the qualities and personality traits you would like your Mr. Right to have. (Note: You may be blind to the qualities you need in a mate. Call those who know and love you best and ask them what attributes they think you seek.)

5. Select the Non-Negotiables. There are some characteristics that are non-negotiable. For example, on my list I knew that the man I married had to have a growing relationship with Jesus, be honest and stand up for what is right. These items (and a few others) were underlined on my list.

6. Use Your List. After your second date with a guy pull out the list. Use a pencil and go down the characteristics you have listed. Check off each characteristic he has and leave a blank next to the ones he does not have or has not proven to you yet. If you still want to date him, then after a few more dates go back to your list. If he is missing the mark on a bunch of your likes, you need to go to a friend or a wise woman in your life who you admire and trust and openly discuss your concerns. Ask her if you are being too sensitive or picky or if this is just not a good match. Be willing to accept her advice. If he is hitting the mark… Have fun! Keep dating him! But keep it casual so that if you realize a month or two months into dating that he is not the man of your dreams as you look at your list, then the relationship won’t end in heartbreak!

The only way to avoid dating Mr. Wrong over and over is to give different kinds of guys a chance. Go out with all kinds of guys. Say yes to more dates.

Appendix C: Who Am I in Christ? Study

Who Am I in Christ?

I am the salt of the earth. Matthew 5:13

I am the light of the world. Matthew 5:14

I am a child of God. John 1:12

I am a part of the true vine, a channel of Christ’s love. John 15:1 and 15

I am Christ’s friend. John 15:15

I am chosen and appointed. John 15:16

I am a slave of righteousness. Romans 6:18

I am enslaved to God. Romans 6:22

I am a daughter of God; God is my Father. Romans 8:14-15; Galations 3:26; 4:6

I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him. Rom. 8:7

I am a temple – a dwelling place – of God. His Spirit and life dwell in me. 1 Cor. 3:16; 1 Cor. 6:19

I am united with the Lord and am one in spirit with Him. 1 Cor. 6:17

I am a member of Christ’s body. 1 Cor. 12:27; Eph. 5:30

I am a new creation. 2 Cor. 5:17

By the grace of God, I am what I am. 1 Cor. 15:10

I am a daughter of God and one in Christ. Gal. 4:6-7

I am an heir of God since I am a daughter of God. Gal. 4: 6-7

I am a saint. Eph. 1:1; 1 Cor. 1:2; Phil. 1:1; Col. 1:2

I am God’s workmanship. His handiwork – born anew in Christ to do His work. Eph. 2:10

I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God’s family. Eph. 2:19

I am a prisoner of Christ. Eph. 3:1; 4:1

I am righteous and holy. Eph. 4:21

I am a citizen of heaven. Phil 3:20; Eph. 2:6

I am hidden with Christ in God. Col. 3:3

I am an expression of the life of Christ because He is in my life. Col. 3:4

I am chosen by God , holy and dearly loved. Col. 3:12; 1 Thes. 1:4

I am a daughter of light and not of darkness. 1 Thes. 5:5

I am holy and have a heavenly calling. Heb. 3:1

I am a partaker of Christ; I share in His life. Heb. 3:14

I am being built up in Christ as a spiritual house. 1 Pet. 2:5

I am God’s possession. 1 Pet. 2:9-10

I am a stranger to this world in which I temporarily live. 1 Pet. 2:11

I am an enemy of the devil. 1 Pet. 5:8

I am a child of God and I will resemble Christ when He returns. 1 John 3:1-2

I am born of God, and the devil cannot touch me. 1 John 5:18

“No person can consistently behave in a way that’s inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. Because you are in Christ, every one of those characteristics is completely true of you, and there’s nothing you can do to make them more true. But you can make these traits more meaningful and productive in your life by simply choosing to believe what god has said about you. One of the greatest ways to help yourself grow into maturity in Christ is to continually remind yourself who you are in Him. I suggest that you go back and read it aloud to yourself right now. Read the list once or twice a day for a week or two.” – Neil Anderson Victory Over the Darkness

They Do Not Carry Themselves with Confidence

Mistake 8

Daneasha was an intellectual, friendly pre-med student with a contagious laugh. She had a round figure and everyone who knew her loved her. Yet, when she walked around campus she often looked down or to the side. We had a talk with her and coached her in walking with confidence. She argued with us saying that she was a confident girl and didn’t need our coaching. After a few days she reconsidered and started applying our tips and techniques. Within the first day, she started realizing that guys were checking her out, they were making eye contact with her and they even started opening doors for her every time she went in a building! The way she carried herself changed the way guys treated her!

Many of you believe you are confident women, and maybe you are. You are confident in Christ. Your identity is in Him! But as you walk you don’t portray confidence. Here is how you change this:

· Walk upright. While you are walking notice how you carry yourself or ask a friend to observe you. Do you walk with your head up, shoulders back and your back straight? If not, start now.

· Notice what is going on around you. I was coaching a friend on her college campus. As we walked I said, “Wow, Meg, that guy on the bike was totally checking you out!” She responded, “What guy?” I could not believe it! A very attractive guy had to get off of the sidewalk on his bike to give us space. As he did he almost flipped off of his bike because he was totally checking her out. Yet, adorable Megan did not even notice. The lesson: Be in the moment! Notice the people you are passing.

· Make friendly eye contact. Again, eye contact shows that you are a confident, approachable person.

· Smile at people. After you get great at making eye contact, start smiling at people along the way. Practice in front of the mirror and then on your friends.

· Walk with a purpose – this portrays great confidence. Even if you have no place to be, walk like you know where you are going and you have important people waiting for you there. But while you walk remember to make friendly eye contact.

Many of you are reading this thinking, “I don’t feel confident.”

· First, your confidence needs to be found in Christ. Get a friend to do a Bible study with you about who you are in Christ. It will be fun and worthwhile for both of you. (See Appendix C for help with this.)

· Here’s a general principle: If you want to change the way you feel about things, change your actions first. Start walking with confidence and follow the other guidelines above and you’ll start to feel confident. Change the way you feel by acting on it first.

Remember: You are an amazing woman! Walk like one!