Tuesday, November 23, 2010

They Throw the Principles Away in a Long Distance Relationship

Mistake #18

India had beautiful, thick, curly hair with big, warm, brown eyes.  She made people feel special when she talked with them.  She was an amazingly selfless person.  She lived to help other people.  She didn’t just care about people who were hurting, but she would do whatever she could to relieve their pain.  Every other guy she met was in love with her.
One summer she worked at a camp for underprivileged inner-city kids.  It was this summer she met Matt.  She loved how caring and gentle he was with the kids and how much he made her and everyone else laugh.  They spent every free moment they could spare together.  The summer together was great, and real life came back too quickly.  They lived life in colleges 6 hours apart but decided they would make the best of it.  They texted all throughout the day and would often talk for several hours at night.  She loved getting to tell him all about her day each evening.  It was not long before she would hear him typing or doing something else while they talked at night.  Before she knew it, awkward silences filled their conversations.  What was going on?
India typically followed the principles we’ve introduced in the previous chapters, but found herself in exceptional situations.  At camp, reality was suspended so the principles didn’t have to be applied, or so she thought!  Once back in real life their relationship was long distance and she thought there was no way to follow the principles.
Girls often make these mistakes in long distance relationships.
1.      She is too available.  The guy has access to her any time of day.
2.      He doesn’t have to ask her on a date. He has a standing appointment with her every night by default.
3.      He doesn’t have to work to find out more about her.  She lays it all out for him.

We’re not saying long distance is easy.  But you CANNOT throw the principles away JUST because you are far away from the guy!

When things are long distance, remember these principles:
1.      Follow the mirror rule.  Don’t respond any sooner or longer in regards to messages.
2.      Be Where You Are Principle.  If he calls or texts while you are doing something or are with other people, get back with him later.  Remember you are a woman in demand that has a lot going on; you are not available at his every whim.  Let him wonder what you are doing and why you aren’t getting back with him right away.
3.      He still has to ask for dates.  Don’t have conversations with him through the phone, Skype, or texting for more than ten minutes.  Let him want more of you and have to actually ask to schedule time with you on the phone.  It is very easy to say, “It’s been so much fun talking to you, but I have so much to do.  You can call me again sometime.”  When he complains that you have to go already, you can say, “I know, I’d love to go on a phone date with you so we can talk longer sometime, you just have to ask.” 
4.      Be creative.  As time goes on you can be creative with your dates.  You can both look at the stars together or eat the same meal together while you Skype.  Be creative and have fun with it!  None of these ideas can compete with being together, but enjoy what you do have.
5.      Give him the appropriate amount of time.  If you are at an early stage, limit yourself to no more than two phone or Skype dates a week.  Follow the same time allowances you would if you were in the same town dating.  (Review our post from June called They Are Too Available.)

Long distance is not an excuse to let a guy have unlimited access to you.  Even if you are long distance, you are still a woman with a full, fun life.  Let him work hard to be part of that life instead of wondering how he can maneuver himself out of it!