On a weekly basis we discuss common mistakes girls make either before they date someone or in the early stages of dating. Each week, we start with an example of the kind of girl we are talking about. We write from a Christian perspective, but the principles apply to everyone. Join us in our conversation. We'd love to hear if you think we're right on or out of our minds or if you just have a question!
Molly was petite, artsy and loved to dance. She was the person who made each party great. She had tons of friends and loved life. She was constantly surrounded by guys, but had never been asked on a date! Why? Because she is too friend-y! She sends off friend vibes to all of the guys!
Most of you have guy friends. You have convinced yourself that you are not attracted to your guy friends and that you would never date him. You’re lying to yourself! If your best guy friend started singing a love song to you and then confessed his undying love - you might just melt! You have convinced yourself that you LIKE having a million guy friends who come to you for advice on what to get their girlfriends for Valentine’s Day! You’re lying to yourself!!! You want to be the one who has a date this year for Valentine’s Day! Though you love having friends, you would LOVE a date!
These habits are hard to change but here are some guidelines to help you:
1) Practice all of these guidelines in this book on all of the guys (friends, crushes and store clerks) in your life. Dress cute. Be approachable. Be flirty. Be fun! Study this book and live it!
2) You have plenty of fun girlfriends! You don’t need more guy friends. Make the guys talk to other girls about how excited they are to take you on a date and get you the perfect birthday gift! Make the guys talk to the other girls who are the “perpetual friend” about how he is planning the sweetest proposal to put the perfect diamond on YOUR finger! Every guy in your life is potentially Mr. Amazing - treat them like it!
3) DO NOT BE FRIENDS after breaking up. It is impossible to be “just friends” with a guy when you’ve been emotionally attached within recent history. (If you dated him in elementary or middle school you can be friends!) You are bound to relive past emotions and end up allowing the same guy back into your heart. When you end a relationship with a guy, do not say, “I just want to be friends.” This misleads guys to believe they still have a chance with you. Just say, “This relationship is not going to go any further.” Or as one women commented, “Just tell to go jump off a cliff!”
Remember: You don’t want more friends. You want a husband!
Challenge: Begin to practice the principles from the previous chapter with your guy friends. See if anything changes.
Have you been applying the challenges each of the past weeks? If so, what are your experiences? If not, why not?!?
Do you have any questions, comments or concerns about this chapter?
*The best comment on the blog each week will receive a $5 Starbuck gift card! So, let us know how the challenges are going for you or if you have comments! Congratulations to Lilly, the winner of the Best Comment of the Week last week. Send me your mailing address and I will put your gift card in the mail today!*
Sophie thought she found Mr. Right and they became best friends. Mr. Right was Ryan and they had been hanging out almost daily for two years. She was always there for him. If he needed anything, she took care of it. She was his biggest fan, yet she could gently tell him the truth. He called her every night and they talked for hours. They shared lots of witty emails back and forth. She was the kind of girl he wanted to share his life with, but why didn’t he seem to want anything more?
Quite simply, Sophie was too available. She just wasn’t a challenge for Ryan. Men are hunters. They want to feel that they’ve caught something that is hard to get. I’m not saying we need to play games, but I am saying that we need to leave guys wanting more. Have you ever eaten so much of your favorite chocolate cake that you thought, “I don’t even want to think about chocolate cake for while!”? But if you just have a few bites of that yummy chocolate cake, you still want more the rest of the day.
If you exercise a little self-control, you will get to enjoy being pursued, and he will get to enjoy chasing after you. A man may say he doesn’t want to have to pursue a woman. He is lazy and he is not your Mr. Right.
Here are some guidelines that will help you to leave him wanting more:
• Phone: When you talk on the phone, only talk for ten minutes. This will prevent you from revealing too much too soon as we will discuss in chapter 11. Then let him know you’ve enjoyed talking with him, but you’ve got something to do. This is not a lie. There is always something to do whether it is homework, laundry, exercise, prayer, etc. By telling him that you enjoyed talking with him, you are letting him know that you are not rejecting him. This will give him the courage to call again. When ending a call say, “It’s been great talking to you, but I totally have to have go! I’d love to talk again soon!” Remember: TEN MINUTES MAX!
• Cell phone: If he calls while you are in the middle of something or with other people, CALL HIM BACK LATER! We call this the Be Where You Are Principle. I understand that for some of you this may be extremely difficult, but show some consideration to your present company by giving them your undivided attention. If you don’t take his call, it will just be another opportunity for him to see that you are an interesting and popular person. When you do talk on the phone with him, remember TEN MINUTES MAX!
• Text Messaging: If he texts you and it warrants a response, wait at least an half an hour or longer to text him back. This will give you time to think about what you are going to say. As girls we love to go on and on, when many times we need to zip it. If he takes several hours to respond to you, then you take at least that long to respond to him (use Mirror Rule in chapter 11: respond no sooner or lengthier than he does). Remember, you are a fun person with plenty going on. You don’t just sit around all day waiting to text back and forth with him. Remember, be where you are and let him desire more of you. When you do have a text conversation with him, limit it to 10 minutes. He needs to ask you for a date to spend more time communicating with you.
• Spending time with him: He needs to ask you out at least two days in advance for a date. You are an interesting woman with exciting things going on in your life. If you are willing to go out at the drop of a hat, you will not communicate that to him. If he does ask with less than two days’ notice, let him know that you would really love to go out sometime, but you have something to do. Again, this is true. You have Bible study to do, friends to catch up with and shopping to get done, just to name a few. Also, by telling him that you would love to go on a date sometime, you encourage him to ask again. He’ll just learn that next time he need to asks with more notice. Here’s what to say (in sweet, sugary voice), “Ohhh, I’d love to, but I can’t! I have other plans, please ask again sometime.”
• Email: Follow his lead in the length of the message and how quickly you reply. First, wait at least until the next day to respond. Give yourself time to think about what you want to say. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak.” (James 1:19 NLT) Second, if you are emailing back and forth and it takes two days for him to respond, you need to take at least two days to answer back. Also, keep your responses shorter than his email.
• Facebook, MySpace, Etc.: The same rules that apply to email apply here. Take time to think about what you want to say. Be lighthearted and witty. If he wants to know the deeper parts of you, let him pursue you to be able to see that side of you. It is all about the Mirror Rule!
Remember, communication is much more than what you say. Often it is what you don’t say. You don’t want to appear more interested than him or he’ll think he has you. Let him see that you are a fascinating person who lots of people enjoy being around. When you are immediately available to him, you are communicating that you have nothing going on. If you have nothing going on, you are probably not very interesting. Always keep the Mirror Rule in mind and it will be much easier to keep him captivated. Let him be the hunter so he can enjoy a bit of a chase while you enjoyed being pursued.
*Challenge: Follow the "Be Where You Are Principle" this week. When you are with a friend or family member or in a meeting do not pay attention to your phone. After the meeting or time with your friend, when you are alone, check your phone for texts, emails, facebook messages, etc... And use your alone time to return the calls, texts, etc... Give the person you are with your undivided attention.
*** Each week we will send a $5 Starbucks Gift Card to the best comment on that week's blog!!!***
(Voting will be done by Mary and Leslie who like to see both funny and serious comments and stories of how this mistake has impacted relationships in the past or how you did with this week's challenge or comments on stuff we can add to the chapter to make it better! Can't wait to hear what you have to say!)
Men are welcome to comment as well. Anyone can win the prize.
Winner will be announced on Sunday with the posting of that week's blog!
They Are Not Approachable
Cally had loose, surfer curls and a 100 watt smile. She was bubbly and enthusiastic about everything. She was a leader in a large ministry on a huge college campus and, as such, she was always in front of a lot of people. Therefore, plenty of guys noticed her. She carried herself with confidence and she took the time to look great before she left her house each day! She loved people, loved Jesus and would love to love a boy. However, throughout her college career she was never asked out on one date! Why? She was totally unapproachable.
Here’s the truth. Guys like a challenge, but they only want to enter into a challenge that think they can possibly win. They need to know that they will not be rejected on the spot if they approach you. So, you need to be approachable. Most girls think they are approachable but they continuously give off “stay away” signals. Without even realizing it, they are rejecting guys right and left. Now is the time to change those habits! Here are the guidelines:
Go where the guys are. No guy will approach you if you aren’t where he is. We are fed up with hearing the excuse, “there are no available guys.” Fifty-one percent of the population is male. There is no reason you can’t find a way to be around eligible guys. If you aren’t regularly around available men, find them. Stay committed to your church, but go to a midweek service at the church where there are lots of singles. Men eat; they are in grocery stores, restaurants and coffee shops. They go to books stores, gyms, sporting events; the list goes on and on. Get some friends, go to new places and practice the techniques you are about to learn. If you still feel as if you cannot find any good guys, then try an online dating service. There are a few services out there that do a fantastic job evaluating its members and connecting them with others who are a great match. Use these as a tool to meet lots of new people and enjoy new places! Try www.eHarmony.com, which is known as a true match-making service and not just a dating service.
Do not wear rings on your ring fingers. If a man sees a ring on your ring finger he will probably assume you are engaged or married. If he thinks you are in a committed relationship, chances are that Mr. Right will not approach you. Make it a habit to wear rings only on your other nine digits.
Leave the girl pack. Chapter 6 is devoted to this. Read it. Study it. DO IT!!! This will change your life.
Make eye contact. When you make casual eye contact with a guy DO NOT LOOK AWAY! Instead, hold his gaze for several seconds. (Count to two slowly in your mind.) Then offer a sweet smile. This may feel awkward at first but you will get used to it. Guys and girls alike will start to perceive you as more friendly and approachable. You can practice on girls too – you’re not giving “come hither” eyes. You are just being friendly!
The Casual “Hi”. If you make eye contact with a guy you have met before, smile and say, “Hi.” Then move on quickly. Don’t slow down as you say “Hi” and don’t drop the eye contact either. You should make eye contact before and maintain eye contact after the “Hi.” By doing this you have communicated, “I’m friendly and I’m open.”
Be aware of your non-verbal cues.
When you are in a group setting do not stand face to face with a friend. Instead, stand shoulder to shoulder and look around the room as you talk. This says that you are open to other conversations.
Do not stand with your arms crossed. This is the universal sign that says “I am a closed person… Unwilling to be friends or talk! Do not approach.”
Put your phone away! One emergency text is fine, but if you are with other people, don’t be engaged with your phone. If you feel the need to hold something, bring a bottle of water with you.
When you are in a group setting, if you spend more than 5-10 minutes with one guy, other guys will notice and will assume you are together. This is a sure way to get NO dates. Ever! Guys will not approach you if you appear to be with another guy. As Jason B. Illian (www.crosswalk.com/singles/11621171/) puts it, “Most of us want to get a phone number, not a black eye!”
Have fun! Laugh with your friends! Guys notice the most fun girls in the room and fun girls are approachable. They also notice the obnoxious ones; don’t be one of those girls.
Pay attention to the way you treat people around you. Pay attention to the people you like the most and the people who are most attractive and approachable. What do they do that makes people like them? Imitate these approachable moves! Soon, you’ll have all kinds of guys asking for your number.
Challenge: Make eye contact with everyone this week. When you are speaking with someone hold eye contact the entire time. When you make eye contact with a stranger (either male or female) hold it for two seconds and smile. Make it your goal to be the last person to break eye contact for the entire week. You are learning to be friendly with everyone and this will translate to "approachable" to cute boys! After making eye contact this week please let us know how it goes!!!
***We are so committed to our promise to get you more dates that we have driven around Gulf Breeze, Florida for 30 minutes searching for a strong, unsecured wi-fi connection at 10:30 on a Sunday night! We are sitting outside someone's house... And we are loading these chapters. This week is special. We are giving you two chapters. Here they are... Please let us know what you think!***
Those of us who follow Christ know that we are created for something great, much greater than wealth, popularity, family, friends, beauty, etc. We are created to lift God up, show the world how great He is and make His name famous where He is unknown. We also know that most of us were not created to do this alone in life, nor do we want to! We want to share this crazy adventure of following after Christ with wild abandon with someone who challenges, inspires and wants us.
So how do we go about finding this person who will partner with us in life? It’s not easy for anyone, and it is especially difficult in the Christian world. Over the past decade or so a number of books have been written about finding your God-loving man in today’s world through courtship. While we have no commentary or criticism for this philosophy, that’s not what this book is about. There are other routes that can be followed to find your husband as well, such as arranged marriages, but we don’t live in India so that is not what we are writing about either! We have found that in the United States and increasingly around the world, singles operate in cultures of neither courtship nor arranged marriages but dating. And this leads to the question that so many singles don’t even know that they need to ask: HOW do you navigate dating SUCCESSFULLY (meaning minimizing heartache while finding your Mr. Right) in a way that demonstrates your love for God?
Leslie and I have navigated these waters ourselves. We both followed the principles that we will be sharing with you to varying degrees. We did some things right and some things wrong. We learned a great deal from ladies older and wiser than ourselves and learned just as much watching our friends as they made these mistakes. After having hundreds of conversations with women just like you, we were tired of hearing ourselves talk and decided to write it down. (We are fully convinced these principles are good and effective, however if you choose not to follow them we in no way believe you are in sin.) Our hope is that through the wisdom we’ve learned and will share with you, you will enjoy this single time in your life by meeting lots of people, going on lots of dates and avoiding unnecessary heartbreak.*
Get some girlfriends together to read this book with you (it will be much easier and more enjoyable to learn and follow these principles if you do it with other people) and join us as we discuss the mistakes girls make and learn how to navigate the dating waters with confidence, success and fun!
*Please know that there is no way to find a husband without risk. Some people think entering into an arranged marriage is risk free. Yet, even in arranged marriages things can fall through before the wedding and there is disappointment. Some people think they will never have heartbreak if they go the route of courtship. While we are not discouraging courtship, please know that many people in courtships get their hearts broken and sometimes the collateral damage to families in failed courtships is even greater than in failed dating relationships.
This Sunday will be our first Get More Dates... Have More Fun challenge! Our book is complete and we cannot wait to share it with you chapter by chapter! Sunday we will post the first two chapters to get you going. We will follow each chapter with a challenge and a question. It should be fun and you should see results! Invite anyone you know who is single and would like more dates.