They Commit Too Soon

Mistake #13

As the president of her sorority, Claire was a gorgeous girl who had plenty of attention from guys.  She was caring, always wore a smile and because of this everyone considered her a friend.  Once she met a guy she liked, she was all his.  They hung out every day, talked on the phone until they were about to fall asleep at night and he was all she could talk and think about.  Soon, they had the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk when they decided that they were going to date exclusively.  After a few months (or a couple of years) they decided that one no longer felt the same way about the other and they split up with broken hearts.  Why were so many hearts broken in Claire’s life?  She committed to relationships too soon!

This is such a common mistake.  You meet the man of your dreams and want to get to know him and you want him to know you.  You say “Yes” to all of his invitations because you have so much fun with him and the attention he gives you feels so good!  You become emotionally attached to him quickly because you share so many of your hopes and dreams with him.  Our mentor, Mark Robinson who has served as Collegiate Minister to thousands of college students, called it Serial Monogamy.  Girls move from one very serious relationship to another.  Christian girls are particularly prone to this mistake because they don’t want to give any piece of their heart away to a guy that they might not marry.  So they convince themselves that this may be Mr. Right!  And they let their guards down.  Here are some guidelines to follow to avoid making this mistake:

·         Slow down.  Have fun!!!  Take your time getting to know him.  You don’t need to rush.  Don’t be quick to define the relationship.  Just enjoy the carefree, fun time that come with dating casually! 

·         Be slow to reveal you heart.  Study the They Reveal Too Much Too Soon post.  These are some of the best guidelines in this blog.  Remember: if he just happens to be the guy you choose to marry, then you have the rest of your lives to get to know each other!  You don’t have to do it in the first week.

·         Do not spend too much time with him.  Remember, you are a busy girl in high demand by so many interesting people!  You have a busy schedule filled with enriching activities!  You have time in your schedule to hang out once in awhile but you won’t clear your schedule to fit him in.  Remember, be a challenge.  

o   First Month: You should see him no more than twice per week.

o   Second and Third Month: You should not hang out with him more than three times per week.

o   Fourth month and beyond: After the third month, if you are still very interested in him, your family and friends are in agreement (see Mistake 17) and if HE BRINGS IT UP FIRST, defining the relationship as exclusive is acceptable.  (Note: If he really likes you he will WANT to define the relationship.  You should never, ever, ever bring this topic up.  Defining the relationship is a way for him to tell other guys to keep their hands off of you.  If he doesn’t want to define the relationship, he is keeping his options open.  Therefore, you need to keep your options open as well.)  Please, enter an exclusive relationship with extreme caution.  After you are exclusive do not see him more than 4 day per week.

o   Engagement:  After you are engaged, you may see him up to 5 days per week.  We recommend never seeing him more than 5 days per week until you are married.  You need a few days apart from each other to be able to evaluate the relationship clearly, keep up your relationships with your friends and family and maintain your identity as an individual.  He needs to marry you to have complete and unlimited access to you.

·         Use caution when getting physical!  Again, be a challenge.  Keep in mind, if people see you holding hands they will assume you are together and you will be considered off of the market.  Other guys will not approach you.  By withholding touch you have the power in the relationship.  He will always wonder, “Will she let me hold her hand tonight?  Should I make my move?”  Absolutely no kissing before you are exclusive.  As we discussed in the They Kiss Too Soon entry, kissing leads to commitment by default.  You want to make the decision to enter into an exclusive relationship with a clear head.  You don’t want your emotions, resulting from your physical relationship, to cloud this huge decision.   

Remember:  Have a great time without the pressure and limitations of a relationship.  The stage of casual dating is really fun!  Enjoy it!

They Kiss Too Early

Mistake #12
Ella was a girl with high standards when it came to guys. In fact, she didn’t date much at all. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive or nice. She just knew what she wanted in a man and had decided she wasn’t going to settle for less. Then Jordan came along, he was super cute, way fun and very flirty and he wasn’t afraid to pursue Ella. Ella found this very flattering and fun. At first, she had no problem turning him down, because she knew that Jordan wasn’t the kind of man she wanted to marry. However, as time went on, Ella started to think that it might be fun just to kiss him. There wouldn’t be anything wrong with that as long as she made it clear to Jordan this wasn’t going anywhere. They were just going to have fun. Before she knew it, Ella found herself heartbroken that she was going to have to break up with Jordan, someone she never even wanted to date in the first place.

In college, my group of friends had something we called NCL, or Non-Committal Lip. Basically, the thought was that we could make out with someone just for fun and it wouldn’t mean anything the next day. In theory, this sounded great, but it never worked out this simply. Did I mention never? Literally, never! Many times NCL make-out sessions led to relationships my friends never wanted and later ended in unnecessary heartbreak.

I’m not just talking about NCL here. I’m also talking about kissing or other physical affection whether it is someone you are casual with or someone you are interested in having a future with. Here are the cold, hard facts, girls:

• Fact #1: Our hearts, minds and bodies are not separate entities unaffected by one another. When we start kissing or snuggling someone, we start caring about them differently than before. We have shared an intimacy with that person. When you kiss someone you are creating a connection.

• Fact #2: Kissing makes us feel committed to someone. Internally, we all just seem to know that it is not okay to be physical with more than one person at a time. With that in mind; once we kiss someone, we innately know we shouldn‘t kiss anyone else until that physical relationship has been severed. Therefore, if you don’t want to be committed to a guy or you just don’t want to be committed yet, DON'T KISS HIM.

• Fact #3: Kissing is foreplay to sex. I never realized this until after I got married. Knowing this explains why once you start kissing it is so hard to stop yourself from going further. You aren’t designed to stop at just kissing. You are designed to consummate what you have started.

To quote my hero Paul, “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:1-2 NLT)

Before you start kissing someone, ask yourself two questions:

1. Am I ready to commit to this person?

2. Is this pleasing to God, or am I just trying to satisfy my flesh?

Here is another reason to limit yourself to one alcoholic beverage. More alcohol makes you too comfortable and equals loose lips. You are more likely to reveal too much (as we discussed in the last chapter) and you kiss too much.

They Reveal Too Much Too Soon

Mistake #11

My friend Jennifer is known for her long-winded stories. She will talk and talk and talk and give every single detail to her audience. She is entertaining and guys are drawn to her, so she is asked out on many dates. However, after the first few dates, Jennifer felt completely in love with Mr. Amazing and Mr. Amazing had suddenly lost interest in her. Why? She always revealed too much, too soon.

We have seen too many girls reveal their entire life stories complete with their hopes and dreams (and chosen baby names!) during their first conversation with an eligible bachelor. At the end of her monologue, the guy typically thinks to himself, “Thank you, Lord, for letting that conversation be OVER.”

Men enjoy a challenge. They are internally wired by God to enjoy competition. They love sports, video games, war movies and wrestling matches. Even men who do not obviously follow this stereotype can be found competing with others over who works the hardest, tells the funniest jokes or who has the longest nose hair. And then there are the guys who simply compete against themselves. This love of a challenge does not disappear when men enter the dating realm. It intensifies. So be a challenge for him. Don’t hand him your heart on a platter. Instead make him dig for pieces of you over a long period of time. Many sweet, caring and very OPEN girls have had their hearts broken by revealing too much about themselves too soon in the relationship.

I always followed one basic biblical principle when being pursued by a man. “Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing.” (Philippians 2:2-4, NLT) Here is how to practically apply this principle in the context of dating.

• On Dates: Make it your goal to find out as much information as you can about him without revealing much about yourself! Go to the date with an arsenal full of questions that you can ask him. (See Appendix B for ideas.) If you don’t think you will be able to remember all of the questions then write them down and keep them in your purse to look over when you go to the restroom. When he asks you a question, answer it with an honest, SHORT answer and ask him another question. Really LISTEN to the answers he gives and ask more questions about his response. As he talks, nod your head, smile and make eye contact so that he knows you are interested and that you want to know who he truly is. At the end of the date you want him to be thinking, “Wow, she’s amazing! She even showed interest in my love for Star Trek! But, wait, I don’t know anything about her. I’ll call her tomorrow to find out more!” (Note: If you are over 21, we recommend you drink ONLY ONE alcoholic beverage per date. Alcohol can make you comfortable. More than one drink can make you TOO comfortable revealing your deepest darkest secrets, your most embarrassing moments, and your hopes and dreams about a beautiful future with him and your seven children all on the first date. If you don't believe us, watch The Bachelor.)

• On the Phone or Skype: Screen your cell phone calls. Do not answer the phone or text him if you are with other people. Enjoy your friends and family and the event you are at instead of entering into a conversation with him. If you are not busy, keep your phone conversations down to 10 minutes or less. This will keep you from revealing too much too soon and he will soon figure out that he needs to ask you on a date if he wants to spend quality time getting to know you. The same principles apply during phone conversations. Ask more questions than he asks. Answer his questions with honest, short and cute answers. If he leaves a message, only return calls if he specifically asks you to call him back.

• Email, Texting, IM-ing: This can be very dangerous. As women we often feel very free to express ourselves when we are sitting in front of a keyboard. We start typing and suddenly we have typed a 10 page email that is humorous, emotional and perfectly describes everything we are feeling and thinking, but it is way too revealing. Use the Mirror Rule in all of these cases. If he sends a 5 line e-mail, respond with a 5 line or less email. If he sends a 10 word text to you, don’t exceed 10 words when you respond. Use these communication modes to your advantage. Be witty and playful in your responses. Follow the 10 minute rule with texting and IM-ing conversations. You are a busy, in demand woman. He needs to ask for a date to spend some significant time getting to know you.

Remember, your goal is to be an intriguing mystery he wants to solve. Always leave him wanting more at the end of every date, phone call, email or text.

Not Being Mrs. Right for their Mr. Right

Mistake #10

Jim was one of those college friends who never really seemed to go to college, although it was rumored that he had in the past. He seemed to bounce from one job to another. Each one for some reason or another just didn’t “fully tap into his talent and potential.” Therefore, after a short time he would have to let his employer go. In fact, the majority of the time he didn’t have a job, but he did have a well-worn place in front of the TV. He was average height with round glasses and a matching round figure. He was not ugly, but he was in no way trying to take care of himself. Jim was fairly fun to hang around, but at times would say things just to be annoying.

One day the conversation came up regarding what each of us was looking for in a mate. He explained that he wanted a girl who was smart, driven, pretty, and athletic. Okay, just absorb that. He wanted someone who was driven, pretty, and athletic. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Obviously, he was never going to attract that kind of girl, because any girl like that wasn’t looking for someone like Jim.

Now, I am finished picking on my guy friend, but as girls we need to take a look in the mirror. We do this all the time. For example, we want someone who is totally in love with Jesus, yet we are only half-heartedly seeking after Him. What do you want in a guy? Really, think about it. Look at your list from the last chapter.

Okay, now that you have your Mr. Right in mind, what kind of girl do you think he wants? Seriously, take time to stop and think about this. What is your Mr. Right looking for in a woman? Write it down.

Now that you’ve got in your mind what he wants, ask yourself if you are the kind of woman he is looking for.

If you are not the kind of woman your Mr. Right is looking for, you have two options:

Option #1 - Figure out who your Mr. Right is looking for and become that woman. Live up to the standard you have set so you can have the man you have spent your life dreaming of, instead of all the Mr. Wrongs you’ve been attracting. Maybe you want a man who is going be actively involved in his church with his family, but you’ve been hit or miss with church for the last two years. It is time for you to commit and serve. It’s easy to not be intentional, and before you know it you have become a person you never wanted to be and are living a life you never wanted to live. Be the woman God intended you to be!

Option #2 - Change what you are looking for. Maybe as you looked at what your dream man would be looking for, you realized you will never be that. That’s okay. If you’ve had an idea about a rugged outdoorsman, but you can’t stand mosquitoes and frizzy hair, it’s time to let go of that dream. Don’t try to become someone God didn’t intend you to be.

Guys all around you are dreaming about their Mrs. Right. Don’t just pray for your Mr. Right to come along. Also, be the Mrs. Right your Mr. Right is looking for.

They Date the Wrong Guy Over and Over

Mistake #9

Julie was a mess. AGAIN. Her roommate Heidi had to hear about it. AGAIN. Julie appeared to be a confident girl who attracted a lot of attention from the male population. However, she was always getting into relationships with guys who were hot, fun and bold but who ended up being controlling, manipulative and prideful.

Most of us make this mistake over and over. We end up having a “type” of guy that we are attracted to and easily fall for. The Manly Man. The Jock. The Sensitive Boy. The Romantic. The Ultra-Christian. Here’s the deal. The first impression is not always accurate. The Manly Man tends to hurt our feelings with his words and actions. The Romantic easily gives his heart away and takes it back just as quickly. The Ultra-Christian doesn’t always end up being the strongest Christian in the bunch. Many times, it is the guy in the background, serving, who is the quality “marrying-type”. However, because we are so drawn to “Mr. Popularity” we miss the amazing guys on the sidelines.

We stand by our policy: Give every Christian guy two dates. Open your eyes and look around at all of the different types. Give each guy a chance. Learn from each of life’s experiences. This way, when Mr. Right comes along you will know that the qualities he holds are the exact qualities you need in a man.

1. Learn from your mistakes. We all make mistakes. Our job is to learn from our past mistakes and change our behavior and choices in the future.

2. Make a list. Get a little notebook. Get your favorite pen. Now start thinking about your past relationships. What did you like about the guy? What qualities drove you nuts? Look at your best friends. What qualities do you admire in them and what makes them your most trusted friends? What habits do they have that make you crazy? What about your siblings? Parents? Write these down.

3. Look for a Pattern. You should start to see a pattern develop in your list. Most of your closest friends have personality traits in common. Many of the bad habits that get on your nerves are the same.

4. Start a New List. On another page start to write a list of the qualities and personality traits you would like your Mr. Right to have. (Note: You may be blind to the qualities you need in a mate. Call those who know and love you best and ask them what attributes they think you seek.)

5. Select the Non-Negotiables. There are some characteristics that are non-negotiable. For example, on my list I knew that the man I married had to have a growing relationship with Jesus, be honest and stand up for what is right. These items (and a few others) were underlined on my list.

6. Use Your List. After your second date with a guy pull out the list. Use a pencil and go down the characteristics you have listed. Check off each characteristic he has and leave a blank next to the ones he does not have or has not proven to you yet. If you still want to date him, then after a few more dates go back to your list. If he is missing the mark on a bunch of your likes, you need to go to a friend or a wise woman in your life who you admire and trust and openly discuss your concerns. Ask her if you are being too sensitive or picky or if this is just not a good match. Be willing to accept her advice. If he is hitting the mark… Have fun! Keep dating him! But keep it casual so that if you realize a month or two months into dating that he is not the man of your dreams as you look at your list, then the relationship won’t end in heartbreak!

The only way to avoid dating Mr. Wrong over and over is to give different kinds of guys a chance. Go out with all kinds of guys. Say yes to more dates.

Appendix C: Who Am I in Christ? Study

Who Am I in Christ?

I am the salt of the earth. Matthew 5:13

I am the light of the world. Matthew 5:14

I am a child of God. John 1:12

I am a part of the true vine, a channel of Christ’s love. John 15:1 and 15

I am Christ’s friend. John 15:15

I am chosen and appointed. John 15:16

I am a slave of righteousness. Romans 6:18

I am enslaved to God. Romans 6:22

I am a daughter of God; God is my Father. Romans 8:14-15; Galations 3:26; 4:6

I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him. Rom. 8:7

I am a temple – a dwelling place – of God. His Spirit and life dwell in me. 1 Cor. 3:16; 1 Cor. 6:19

I am united with the Lord and am one in spirit with Him. 1 Cor. 6:17

I am a member of Christ’s body. 1 Cor. 12:27; Eph. 5:30

I am a new creation. 2 Cor. 5:17

By the grace of God, I am what I am. 1 Cor. 15:10

I am a daughter of God and one in Christ. Gal. 4:6-7

I am an heir of God since I am a daughter of God. Gal. 4: 6-7

I am a saint. Eph. 1:1; 1 Cor. 1:2; Phil. 1:1; Col. 1:2

I am God’s workmanship. His handiwork – born anew in Christ to do His work. Eph. 2:10

I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God’s family. Eph. 2:19

I am a prisoner of Christ. Eph. 3:1; 4:1

I am righteous and holy. Eph. 4:21

I am a citizen of heaven. Phil 3:20; Eph. 2:6

I am hidden with Christ in God. Col. 3:3

I am an expression of the life of Christ because He is in my life. Col. 3:4

I am chosen by God , holy and dearly loved. Col. 3:12; 1 Thes. 1:4

I am a daughter of light and not of darkness. 1 Thes. 5:5

I am holy and have a heavenly calling. Heb. 3:1

I am a partaker of Christ; I share in His life. Heb. 3:14

I am being built up in Christ as a spiritual house. 1 Pet. 2:5

I am God’s possession. 1 Pet. 2:9-10

I am a stranger to this world in which I temporarily live. 1 Pet. 2:11

I am an enemy of the devil. 1 Pet. 5:8

I am a child of God and I will resemble Christ when He returns. 1 John 3:1-2

I am born of God, and the devil cannot touch me. 1 John 5:18

“No person can consistently behave in a way that’s inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. Because you are in Christ, every one of those characteristics is completely true of you, and there’s nothing you can do to make them more true. But you can make these traits more meaningful and productive in your life by simply choosing to believe what god has said about you. One of the greatest ways to help yourself grow into maturity in Christ is to continually remind yourself who you are in Him. I suggest that you go back and read it aloud to yourself right now. Read the list once or twice a day for a week or two.” – Neil Anderson Victory Over the Darkness

They Do Not Carry Themselves with Confidence

Mistake 8

Daneasha was an intellectual, friendly pre-med student with a contagious laugh. She had a round figure and everyone who knew her loved her. Yet, when she walked around campus she often looked down or to the side. We had a talk with her and coached her in walking with confidence. She argued with us saying that she was a confident girl and didn’t need our coaching. After a few days she reconsidered and started applying our tips and techniques. Within the first day, she started realizing that guys were checking her out, they were making eye contact with her and they even started opening doors for her every time she went in a building! The way she carried herself changed the way guys treated her!

Many of you believe you are confident women, and maybe you are. You are confident in Christ. Your identity is in Him! But as you walk you don’t portray confidence. Here is how you change this:

· Walk upright. While you are walking notice how you carry yourself or ask a friend to observe you. Do you walk with your head up, shoulders back and your back straight? If not, start now.

· Notice what is going on around you. I was coaching a friend on her college campus. As we walked I said, “Wow, Meg, that guy on the bike was totally checking you out!” She responded, “What guy?” I could not believe it! A very attractive guy had to get off of the sidewalk on his bike to give us space. As he did he almost flipped off of his bike because he was totally checking her out. Yet, adorable Megan did not even notice. The lesson: Be in the moment! Notice the people you are passing.

· Make friendly eye contact. Again, eye contact shows that you are a confident, approachable person.

· Smile at people. After you get great at making eye contact, start smiling at people along the way. Practice in front of the mirror and then on your friends.

· Walk with a purpose – this portrays great confidence. Even if you have no place to be, walk like you know where you are going and you have important people waiting for you there. But while you walk remember to make friendly eye contact.

Many of you are reading this thinking, “I don’t feel confident.”

· First, your confidence needs to be found in Christ. Get a friend to do a Bible study with you about who you are in Christ. It will be fun and worthwhile for both of you. (See Appendix C for help with this.)

· Here’s a general principle: If you want to change the way you feel about things, change your actions first. Start walking with confidence and follow the other guidelines above and you’ll start to feel confident. Change the way you feel by acting on it first.

Remember: You are an amazing woman! Walk like one!